Shopping with Angelina

I was reading a friend’s blog where she describes going fantasy Shopping with Brad Pitt at Sobeys (http://hickchic.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_archive.html what-brad-pitt-and-i-did-in-my-dream), so I figured if she can do it then so could I, with--who else?--Angelina Jolie. Well why not? We must have gender equality.

Let me tell you it changed my whole shopping experience.

The first thing I used to look at was price. Well no longer. From now on, it’s ingredients, Lipids and Saturated Fats, Glucides, Salt Content-- NO more! Fiber, selenium, YES. She was telling me how selenium is really good at getting rid of BAD cholesterol. I pricked up my ears, if she said BAD cholesterol, then there must be GOOD cholesterol around. I meant to ask her about it, but just then she bent over to pick something off the lowest shelf, and I got an eyeful and forgot everything else.

The woman is absolutely amazing, reading label after label, pointing out chemical compositions, interaction, trade-offs and consequences. She must have a bio-med degree from Hopkins or something.

She says she doesn’t shop normally in large grocery chains, but gets all her food straight from the grower who is 120% organic certified by American Food and Drug. So its not "taste like chicken" for her, it’s "taste like free-range chicken." But here she was with me, since I dragged her into my fantasy, she was trying to do the best of a bad situation.

And let me tell you she was picky. I had my basket full, she barely had the bottom covered. And I was cheating too, I was buying products that I could hardly afford in a vain attempt to impress her. All the while pretending that I knew what I was doing and she was just... just another casual shopper.

Of course I was inhibited. I expected Laura Croft, The Tomb Raider, defeat evil right there in the cafe and condiments aisle. And what if, it were true that say, some villain was stalking her, and I would have to do a heroic thing and save HER. Got that? SAVE HER! Would I be up to it? Even in my fantasies?

But there is a softer side to her. I discovered that on the later part of our odyssey, near detergents and dryer sheets. She expressed a preference for April-Fresh Downy to keep her clothes soft and fluffy. I expressed my astonishment that she would do her own laundry... She frowned and shook her head, "Of course not, dear boy, but I can smell and know." I complimented her how nice she smelled, in her one-piece frilly suit, what little of it there was... She preened a little. (Well it’s MY fantasy, so she can preen...)

We had real fun at checkout. Of course all the lines were full, but you know Jolie, she told the lady ahead of us that the bacon was expired and shocked that lady to vacate the line in a hurry. But a step closer, we face her nemesis, the magazine rack, and half the issues had glossy pictures of her and Brad. She confided in me. "Brad sometimes leaves shavings in the bathroom sink..."
"I thought you would each have your own bathrooms..."

"We do. But you know how it is, we are so territorial, and I have my brand on everything, especially Brad. (That’s my girl Laura for you!)."

Then she got quite indignant, "Why that pucking bitch!" she said pointing at Jen on the cover still pining for Brad. "She whines still and claiming I stole his affections. As if I needed to. I’m blessed or cursed with pheromones few can resist..." I can testify to that. My head was spinning and well... my other body parts were reacting too.

She was still boiling by the time the cashier asked if she had a Sobeys’ card. She withered her with one look. Outside we got ambushed by the paparazzi, blinded by camera flashes and accosted with in-your-face microphones. I dread the next issue of the rags with me on the front cover looking stupidly surprised. I hope my wife won’t see it. You see, I had not told her about this little adventure.

And Angelina? I made a date with her to meet at Home Hardware, where she can help me chose the best grouting compound. In her persona as agent Salt, she is trained in all such things, no? She wasn’t happy about it, but I have my own pheromones and this is MY fantasy.

It opened up a brand new world for me. Maybe I’ll invite Jen to tell me her side of the story. Or for Jaylo to come clean about Ben and her Jen issues. Heck maybe I will ask one of them to scrub my back in the bathtub... but that’s for a late night story. The world is my oyster...